So what was good about "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle?" Almost nothing, except for scenes where an AMAZINGLY in shape Demi Moore (Ghost) runs around in a bikini. Otherwise, every copy of this film should be burned in a huge pile on Hollywood's front lawn as a sign of what people think of these stupid projects.

I do not know what makes me more upset; the fact that MILLIONS of dollars are spent on pieces of s**t like this, or the general moviegoing public spending millions MORE to see it. This picture is a prime example of how studio executives never think to use their power to make movies worth something to the world. With the money spent on one "Charlie's Angels" movie, Hollywood could make five pictures or more like "American History X."

The basic story is this… Charlie's spies, played by Cameron Diaz (Something About Mary), Lucy Liu (TV's Ally McBeal) and Drew Barrymore (50 First Dates), are hired to figure out a bunch of stupid nonsense, until they find out Madison Lee (Moore), a former angel of Charlie, is behind it all on some sort of revenge kick.

So, while the angels are doing stupid crap that means nothing, director McG aka Joseph Nichol--who's only recognizable credit is a music video for Korn--takes every opportunity to exploit the beauty and bodies of his three leading girls. This includes a semi strip tease and a dance number to MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This." I was so embarrassed for each of these otherwise talented actresses.

Not only does the writing and the story suck, but the film maintains no reverence for possible vs plausible physics. Anyone who knows me knows I will sucumb to any movie scripting along the lines of what is possible; maybe not plausible, but possible. Given this, I will suspend my disbelief. Such is the case with my review of "Open Water."

The stunts of both person and machine in "CA:FT" are so far beyond possible, its not even funny. Within the opening grabber, the viewer watches a truck carrying an Apache combat copter on its bed run off a bridge.

So, as this truck is falling, the angels, falling with it, have plenty of time and ability to defy the centrifugal force against them. From the truck, they climb into the Apache, start it up, and do a vertical LIFT OFF from while falling. I about lost my dinner when I watched this. Shortly after that, our MC Hammer dance sequence was presented, and my opinion of the picture was decided by then. This is within the first 10-15 minutes; utterly painful.

The only way I would've enjoyed this movie more is if someone pushed thumbtacks into my eyeballs and poured lye in my ears, so I would no longer be able to see or hear this whole hearted lump of manure. A farmer could spread this movie over his field and be guaranteed a good fertilizer for the coming crop. That would be the film's only use.

The odor omitted from this film would kill nearby plant life. If you see it on the rental shelf, pick it up, place it on the floor, pull your shorts down and defecate on it. The store clerks probably won't stop you if they've seen this movie. They will understand.

For the future, director McG has signed to direct a picture called "Hot Wheels," scheduled for release in 2005. I suggest you stay clear of that one too. What kind of a stupid trendy name is "McG" to go by? The dude's from Michigan. Give me a break.

Benn - Where's the Humanity?