reviewed by Brian "The Naked Gun" Felts & Benn "Where's the Humanity?" Farrell
I was going to go into the plot of the movie, but it just plain sucks. A bunch of kids get stuck in
a town where all of the residents have been killed and turned into wax, by two demented Siamese brothers
who were left all alone when there parents died. The kids get taken out one by one until the two Siamese
twins are trying to kill what's left of the kids, who also happen to be twins.
I actually counted the minutes from the start of the movie to when Paris Hilton was doing some kind of sexual
act. Let's see…..at six minutes she kissed her boyfriend, at nine minutes she was making out with him, at
sixteen minutes she was giving him a bl**job, at 75 minutes she did a striptease for him. At 80 minutes
the boyfriend is dead and at 85 minutes she is dead.
The only other recognizable actor/actress is Elisha Cuthbert (The Girl Next Door). She needs to fire her
agent and find somebody who will get her decent movies to work in.
The story actually has a decent concept in that the entire town's population and any poor sucker driving by becomes a work of art in this wax museum of a town.
However, beyond the concept, the writing was just hokey and terrible. I thought I was watching a bad 1980's horror
movie. Unfortunately, screenwriter Chad Hayes will be writing another horror remake, "The Blob," due out in 2006.
If crappy screenwriters continue to get jobs like this, why can't Benn and I find movie work?
Then there is, of course, that two bit hooker Paris Hilton (One Night in Paris). The woman has zero talent. There are
actresses who have been dead for 10 years who could have done a better job. Why do people find her
fascinating? I understand when her homemade porn movie got released why people would be interested
then, but if she isn't bl**ing, I am not caring.
I don't think I have to tell you to avoid this movie if at all humanly possible. There is no redeeming
value to this movie what so ever.
Brian - the Naked Gun Paris Hilton is a worthless excuse for an actor. It's so obvious the producers of this picture only asked her to be in it for her sex appeal and popularity at the moment. The first I cannot find, and the second I cannot understand. It doesn't surprise me that she is such a suck-a** actor, since she only has a seventh grade education, so she can't possibly comprehend what it takes for an actor to prepare a role. And BOY does it show. She was monotone for EVERY line delivery. Somebody give her the paycheck and tell her to stay the f**k off the set. The only thing Paris Hilton is worthy enough to be seen in is a drive through window. The writing in this heap of spunk was embarrassing. There were several moments, which attempted to be cute--I think--showing how our two nemeses were medically separated twins. Each moment made me feel like I had prostate cancer. I have to say I thought the backstory on the angry twins was somewhat interesting, but the filmmakers overworked it to death, and made numerous parallels to our two surviving heroes being twins, even thought they look NOTHING alike. I hated the brother's character. Mad at the world for no reason. That hasn't been believable since James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause," and even then is was sketchy. I also have a question about the climax. Since when has wax become flamable. The climax shows this house, made of wax, with every piece of furniture and architecture made of wax, melting as a fire starts in the basement. We witness the house caving in on itself. At what point did all that melting wax NOT put out the fire in the basement? Instead, according to these genius filmmakers, the fire grew and spread as the house melted? Why? Is wax flamable? According to these should-be-directing-a-"Beach Blanket Bingo"-remake filmmakers, it sure does. I don't know what upsets me more, the fact that filmmakers out there think this kind of bulls**t is cool, or the fact that no one on the movie's production team had the b**ls to raise his or her hand and say, "You know, what we're doing is pretty f**king stupid. Maybe we should rethink this ending." I hate to be this primitive and simple, but this movie just sucks in all aspects. Not even the Hilton strip tease was a turn on. I'm so pleased with myself to know a fully clothed girl with BRAINS is more of a turn on for me than a nearly naked Paris Hilton. Please avoid seeing this movie. When Brian and I bought our tickets and the manager found out which movie we were going to see, you could literally see in his eyes that he felt utterly sad for us. Thanks for the empathy, dude. Brian's right. This is the worst movie to come out this year so far (as of May 20th 2005). Benn - Where's the Humanity?
Well with any luck, this movie put the final nail in the coffin of these Horror remakes. Unlike its
sister movies, "The Amityville Horror" and "Dawn of the Dead," "House of Wax" stars nobody of any
real talent, has no story, no scares, but lots of s**t. A huge elephant pile of s**t. This movie is
simply awful and probably the worst movie of the spring.